i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
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