I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
