Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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