I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize