Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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