I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
