Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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