Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
