i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
