someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
