My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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