guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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