it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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