We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
