I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
