No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
