Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
