Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Randomize
