Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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