i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
