I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
