dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
