Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
