woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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