one might say we're banned from that church
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
