I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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