My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
