In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
