i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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