I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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