For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
