but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
