I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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