I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I've blown a few things in my day
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
