SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
