I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize