i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
