I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
