According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
