I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
