She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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