Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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