I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
