If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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