apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
