Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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