Moan for me like Helen Keller
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The ass gains better be worth it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
