two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
