oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You ruined the universe
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
