im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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