giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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