FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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