i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
