his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
